not feeling whole …

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Beware: A Rant

This path of infertility is bumpy, unpredictable, fragile, lonely and long.

If you’ve ever had a real heart to heart with someone deeply wrestling with the reality of never bearing children, you have probably witnessed first hand that this particular curse digs its heels deep into the soul and identity of the infertile woman.  [I have met very few women who somehow seem to escape the pain of this condition, but they are few.]

“I feel betrayed by my body.”
“I’m so angry at my body.”
“I feel like less of a woman.”

Although not for the first time, this weekend was a particularly difficult battle with a different version of the frustration and pain.

“My husband deserves better.”
“I can’t be the reason my husband is never a father.”

Ugh…

Things my husband will never have/do due to my infertility:

  • deal with the stereotypical hot/cold/uncomfortable/food craving/moody wife…a challenge…but running inside joke he will never be a part of.
  • hear his baby’s heart beat and watch it on a monitor at an ultrasound.
  • put his hand on my stomach to feel our baby move
  • go through birthing classes with me
  • hold my hand during delivery
  • be so proud of me for giving him a child
  • be told his child has his eyes or his nose (and know it to be true)
  • so much more

My heart is aching- and truth be told I want to run away.  My husband deserves all of these things and so much more and it devastates me that I am the reason he will never have these moments to cherish.  In exchange he has memories of far too many negative pregnancy tests, tear filled days, anger, fear of the future, deferred hope- in short- pain.

I do not feel whole today.  I do not feel like my marriage is whole today.  I feel empty.  Lost.  Angry.  Sad.

If you have struggled with infertility I imagine that at least some of this pain has touched your life- and that breaks my heart.

If you have not struggled with infertility I would ask you not to say any of the following at any point to anyone not-feeling-whole (or at least not to me.)

“Pregnancy is such a small part of being parents.  Don’t get so hung up on it.”
“How old are you?”  [In 20’s]  “Oh, you have time.  It will happen, just relax.”  [In 30’s] “Oh, have you guys considered adoption?”
“You’re lucky- I hated being pregnant.  You’re not missing much.”

And if one more person tells me that no we’ll get pregnant since we’ve decided to adopt, I might just have to scream the statistics at them!  Less that 3% of couples who pursue adoption after infertility go on to have biological children.  3%!

True to my blogs name, this is a rant.

I’m a ranting.childless.mother.

Infertility is cruel and I hate it.

Miscarriages are devastating and feel malicious.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

I’m not whole.

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2 responses »

  1. I stumbling across your blog looking for crayon art. Eventhough this specific blog was specified as a rant I did find it somewhat heartbreaking. I don’t know what its like to feel infertile, though after two children within two years I’m very sure my husband wishing I was. So on the other side, not that you should wish you were infertile but its just not as great to wish to have more children when in fact your husband doesnt think so because of finances and stress, etc. So not like you wish to hear my tiny rant but hang in there and try to appreciate the family that you do have (Although I’m sure you do)…:)

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